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Hey again after forever!

It's so crazy how much life can change in a year! I know it's not been an entire year since I updated, but it's been a good amount of time since I updated with any regularity.

I'm in a very happy co-habitational relationship, teaching is going well, and I'm up for a position in the San Francisco Symphony Chorus. If I get it my income will literally double.

A huge amount of my happiness is due to Travis- there's no denying it. I feel really taken care of and deserving of happiness because of him, and I feel really cherished. Something new for me is that I feel like I have a home, not like I'm living in someone elses house until I can move. The funny thing is that I've only lived here for a couple months, and it feels more like home than the house I grew up in.

My health is still on the negative side of okay, but I at least THINK it's been getting better as time goes on. There are still problems, but I'm trying to resolve them. That respiratory infection from the winter really knocked me down.

I've been riding a bicycle and going to these things called Bike Parties. Once a month, about 200 people who love riding bikes get together on a planned ride and wear costumes for a specific theme and ride together, just for the fun of it. It's so cool!

I've also started Bikram yoga, and wow, it is hard. I know it can be dangerous, so I've made a point not to push myself and to remain hydrated and stuff. I've only been to one lesson and it was tough. We rode our bikes there, and on the way back I fell off my bike just because I was so out of it, I think. Yoga is also something for Travis and I to do together, so I am trying to stick with it haha. My knee injury is still healing, I think, so I have to be careful about that too.

Wow, I'm suddenly tired! I did walk around in the sun for awhile today, so maybe that's it! After singing at church, usually I bring breakfast home and Travis and I eat it together, but today was such a beautiful day that we went out! Then we walked around the Mission for awhile, and almost bought too many vintage classical records. We nerd out in all the same ways!

Time to go help Rachel buy a bike!

<3 <3 <3 <3


So much has changed since the last time I updated. I just haven't had the time to post I guess, although I definitely still check my friends page regularly.

I'll talk about the bad stuff first and then the good stuff so that I end up in a good mood at the end of the post.

I've been sick since Thanksgiving. I picked up something in Florida and just haven't been able to shake it. I've been to the doctor 5 times since the beginning of December, and it's only today (after yesterday's visit) that I'm really feeling any relief. I'm on my second course of antibiotics for a horrible respiratory infection, and it's been so annoying because my JOB IS SINGING. There have been points that I've lost my voice, or I would start to sing a line and then erupt in uncontrollable coughing. Last night I was coughing so much that I barely slept. I at least got a ton of stuff out of my lungs so I feel a LOT better breathing-wise. I was at the point where I was taking my inhaler like 6 or 8 times a day, and it is only supposed to be for emergencies, not for regular use.

On the upside of this, I have a new boyfriend who somehow loves to take care of me when I don't feel good. He makes me tea, makes sure I take allergy medicine and cough syrup and is the sweetest thing ever. He has even made me take these horrible home remedies like eating an entire clove of garlic and drinking spoonfuls of apple cider vinegar. Torturous, but it made me feel better lol. I could probably gush about him forever. He makes me feel precious and cherished and like I deserve to be treated well. He even cooks for me!! Last night, I got out of school later than he and I went straight to his house and he had dinner ready. I couldn't believe it and felt super special. He is someone I've known for over a year now and has turned out to be a very different person than I thought he was in a great way. He is also really tall and has beautiful blue eyeeesssss.

He is kind of what's on my mind most of the time lately, especially since I've been too sick to practice or do much else. I have a course at school that I'm teaching that I am happy about. It's a little intimidating because there are 45 students in it and I feel like OMG that is a lot.

I've totally deviated from my plan because I really only want to talk about the good things. The opera at my school was cancelled, but it means I can really focus on my recital, which is great. I'm really hoping it'll be wonderful and that I'll have a great time and love my music and everything.

And now, a 10 year old girl doing was a lot of 10 year olds do best and often!

Writer's Block: Nom nom nom

What's your favorite snack for a rainy afternoon?

Oriental Style Top-Ramen Noodles!!!!!!!!


Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on fucking ME.

Have you ever closed the door on an opportunity or a relationship in order to open another door, only to realize you made the wrong choice?

Usually I won't make decisions unless I'm absolutely sure it's the right one. Sometimes I worry that I made the wrong decision in breaking up with Sid. The past couple days it's been really tearing me up. I know it was the right thing, though.

In other news:

My parents are probably getting a separation or a divorce or whatever. It makes me sad for them even though I've seen it coming forever. I've wanted it to happen forever. Still upset though.

feeling awful

I wish I didn't though. I miss being loved. I feel like such a stupid girl. A stupid girl who is always wrong about stupid stuff that seems important at the time.

I know it's all so I appreciate whatever happens in the future more, but I hate always feeling so alone and frustrated and just plain dumb. Being with someone won't make me feel less alone, I know.

I wish I had someone here to help take care of me. I'm getting too tired. I'm becoming emotional and making stupid decisions and saying things I don't mean.

I want sunshine and rainbows. I want to stop driving home late at night screaming and crying in my car because I'm avoiding how upset I am all the time and that's the only time I can express it.

At least my cats love me even when I'm angry.

Please me, show me how it's done

I know you've suffered but I don't want you to hide. It's cold and loveless, I won't let you be denied. Soothing, I'll make you feel pure. Trust me, you can be sure. I want to reconcile the violence in your heart. I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask. I want to exorcise the demons from your past. I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart.

You trick your lovers that you're wicked and divine. You may be a sinner, but your innocence is mine. Please me, show me how it's done. Tease me, you are the one. I want to reconcile the violence in your heart. I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask. I want to exorcise the demons from your past. I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart.

Muse muse muse muse. I think it's funny that I identify with both sides.

So much to do tomorrow! Wish me luck!

But who cares? No big deal...

I want more. But probably won't do anything to get it because I'm a nincompoop. Or at least I feel like one constantly.


I had a really nice day today again! And a night evening too. Life feels good right now. I hope it only gets better! :)
Today started out rife with anxiety because I was going to get a haircut and was worried that it would turn out poorly. I have been butchered so many times, and have had many a hairdresser see my hair and immediately think, "OMG CUTESY CURLY BOB!!!!" I really didn't want that to happen this time.

So I went on my way and parked and everything (already a few minutes late) and found that I was actually on the wrong side of the city. I called my friend and she told me to get a taxi or something, but a bus appeared next to me so I got on it. When I got on, I found that I didn't have my wallet!!! It was still in the car because it fell out of my purse! The bus driver let me stay on the bus for free thankfully, and I arrived at my hair appointment almost an hour late. :(

I still got to have my hair cut, and I was so glad because Georgette did such an amazing job. I showed her a picture of a shape I liked and asked her if something similar would work with my hair, and she made it happen and did a great job. I think this is the best haircut I've ever had!!!! I'm also really glad because the friend I went with also got her hair done, she's also a student of mine, and it was a really fun experience to do that with someone. She's kind of been both a student and a mentor to me and it's made me really happy that she's taken the time to invest her thoughts and energy into me, and that she thinks I'm so cool! She paid for everything and even got me lunch and drove me back to my car. I told her that I'll give her a free lesson to pay her back and she was happy with that. :)

Afterwards, I went to Janet's house for a voice lesson, and I felt like I'm really getting what she wants from me. I also feel like what she wants from me is on the right track for my voice. A lot has changed in the past few months for me vocally, so I have felt like I've needed to relearn to sing. :p

After that, I went to Bronstein's to teach a voice lesson and I felt like my student really got what I wanted from her! I was so excited.

Then had a pleasant interlude and a snack, and then went to rehearsal in Marin.

GGO just told me a couple days ago that I'd be playing the Dew Fairy, so I didn't have the aria memorized at ALL. It was already a staging rehearsal so we went through the aria, staged it, ran through it again, and that was the extent of my rehearsal.

Then came home, and here I am. This has been one of the best days in a long time. The only part I would change is how much time I spent in the car.


This is my Last song.. Sung for you
Alexandra Sessler

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July 2011


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